The British think Americans are stupid. Also, loud, fat and gluttonous, but mostly stupid. Just ask them.
To which we counter, without us you’d be speaking German right now. Check and mate. Besides, tell us something we don’t know (which could be almost anything). We don’t even care that we’re stupid. In fact, it’s never been more fashionable to be belligerently ignorant. Suck it. We’re the greatest country in the world, which we know is true because we say it all the time. “But Americans score horribly compared to the rest of the world in math, reading and problem-solving using technology” facts say, to which we counter “USA! USA! USA!”
According to a 2012 Pew poll, thirty-five percent of us think being gay is a choice. Another Pew poll shows 33 percent percent are convinced evolution isn’t real. Thirty percent reject overwhelming scientific consensus that humans are warming the atmosphere. And nearly 80 percent of us believe in angels.
None of that is anything to be ashamed of, either. If anybody in this country should be ashamed, it’s them there intellectual elites looking down on everybody else with all their book learnin’. The only thing half the population hates more than the color of President Obama’s skin is all the fancy words uses, and after eight years he still doesn’t understand that presenting nuanced, thoughtful arguments about complex, serious issues only pisses people off, which inexplicable presidential candidate Rick Santorum – armed with his MBA and JD degrees – understood when he thundered against Obama’s “snobbish” desire for every American to go to college.
So we’re stupid. But you know what? You uppity limeys officially ain’t got nuthin’ to say about it no more, not after you made “What does it mean to leave the EU?” and “What is the EU?” your top two Google searches a few hours AFTER you … voted to leave the EU. Hey, we may be nominating our first officially fact-free presidential candidate, but in the wee hours of Nov. 8 I’m pretty sure Americans won’t be asking their computers “What’s a Donald Trump?” and “What does a vote do?” Nope, we’ll just be popping beers, sitting back, and waiting to be made great again. Even though we’re already great.
Sure, the London Telegraph went into damage control and tried to spin the story with “facts” saying it wasn’t really that many people who didn’t know they’d voted to turn Britain into a glorified Sri Lanka, but that’s like telling us to listen to scientists. Graphs? Percentages? Context? To that, our common sense says BO-ring. What matters is now is we know you Brits aren’t so bright either. Don’t worry, though – they’ll always be a place for you on our team. Well, some of you. The white ones. But you know what we mean. And in the mean time, welcome to the dumb side! It’s not so bad. You’ll see.