Several NFL Owners met with Commissioner Roger Goodell yesterday at NFL Headquarters. In an exclusive, Blooperman has a transcript of the meeting.
Dan Rooney: Ok, thanks to everyone for arriving a little early. I can only imagine where Jerry is, but let’s get started. I just wanted us to go over, again, that we’re going to break this news to Roger gently. Remember, despite his idiocy, incompetence and red-headedness, he’s done what we’ve asked on the whole brain trauma thing.
Dan Snyder: Yeah. The commissioner is definitely not involved in any CTE cover-up in the same way he definitely did not lie about seeing the Ray Rice tape. We still don’t have to pay for health care for retired players, and he hasn’t made me change the name of my team yet, despite it not being an ethnic slur. It’s really an honor to those proud people. I mean, look at how our fans offer Hail to the Redskin:
John Mara: Settle down, Daniel. We aren’t here to discuss your team’s nickname or your various and myriad failings as an owner and a human being.
Jim Irsay: When are we ever going to talk about how the Six Flags bankruptcy he caused resulted in the closure of Kentucky Kingdom for a few years? The Thunder Run is at its best after washing down some zannys and molly with vodka.
Rooney: Good to see you’re lucid today Jim. Did you forget to take your medicine? Or has it not kicked in yet?
Irsay: I’ll have you know I’m coming down. We need to hurry this along. I’m going to start crashing hard in like an hour.
Robert Kraft: We’re getting off topic. I don’t care how gently we break the news to that empty suit. He went too far. We had a deal. We all agreed that if I gave up a draft pick and was publicly contrite about deflategate that he wouldn’t touch Brady. He’s still trying to suspend Tom and now I want Roger’s balls cut off and mounted next to all my Lombardi trophies. I’d give one bronzed testicle to Belichick, but I’m starting to think he dabbles in the dark arts. No telling what he’d do with it.
Jerry Richardson: Hurrumph. He’d use it to cheat.
Mark Davis: (looks up from his Transformers) Huh, huh. Huh, huh. You said balls.
Rooney: Who was supposed to babysit Davis last week? Every time we forget he binge-watches Beavis and Butt-Head and makes these meetings hard to conduct.
Davis: Huh, huh. Hard.
Rooney: (under his breath) Goddammit. (turns back to Kraft) We remember the deal, Bob. We brokered it. Sorry about all this. But like I said, we need to do this gently. Roger loves his disciplinary power and he knows too much. If we piss him off he’s just dumb enough to go public with our attempts at scientific chicanery and then Kraft really will take his balls.
Mara: And for God’s sake, no one eat any pizza unless he does first. His tender feelings are already going to be hurt enough. Davis and Irsay, I’m talking to you. Mark, if you can keep it together we’ll go out for ice cream later, and Jim, I have no idea what you’re on, but it better not include whatever drugs give you the munchies.
Snyder: Shhh, I think Goodell’s coming.
Davis: Huh, huh. Coming.
Irsay: Shut up, Davis.
(Roger Goodell enters)
Goodell: Gentlemen, good day. I’ve just come from a productive off-the-record chat with Peter King. He’s such a reliable defender of the Shield. I called this meeting to update everyone on the Tom Brady suspension situation. I think…
Kraft: You think? We don’t pay you to think. We pay you to do what we say, and what we say is that you do whatever you have to do to keep us growing richer! What you weren’t supposed to do, as we agreed, you ginger assho…
Rooney: Bob! No need for names. Roger, we have talked about it and we think that you’re doing an excellent job but that it may be best for us to take some things off of your plate.
Goodell: Mr. Rooney and other owners, I can assure that I need no such plate-clearing. Look, I haven’t even touched a slice of pizza yet. Not only am I focused on the tasks at hand—heading up brain research, defending The Shield, and growing our game—my plate is clear! Look at it! No pizza!
Mara: Now, Roger, before you object, we’re talking it over with the union so we may be able to wring some concessions in order to change the CBA.
Richardson: (wakes up) Pay them less! This game is fun. They should be paying us to play in the stadiums we, and we alone without a ton of help from every local and state taxpayer, built. And muzzle the players too. Hired help should be seen and not heard from. (falls back asleep)
Mara: It was clever of you, Roger, to hide dictatorial power in the CBA, but it may have gone too far. The federal judges, even the ones we’ve paid off, don’t seem to keen on your arbitrating your own decisions.
Goodell: But, I’m just defending the Shield. We can’t let these thugs go out, “make it rain” in adult establishments and tarnish the pristine image that our other athletes, like Peyton Manning, have created. I don’t believe for a second the rumors that he puts his genitals on that lady’s head, or that he’s full of more HGH than Romanowski.
Davis: Huh, huh. Genitals.
Kraft: You didn’t prove shit! You used our playbook on CTE to pay off a shady scientist to ignore basic physics. It was cold, and well within reason to have the balls measure at that PSI. I only agreed to take a hit because these guys are still butthurt over Spygate, and we all agreed to leave Brady out of it. It was cold you stupid donkey-brained piece of…
(double doors swing open)
Jerry Jones: Howdy boys! I’m a little late to this shindig because I’ve been hanging out with that Manziel kid. Haven’t slept in four days, but I’m here. What’s up? We done breaking the news to Ginger Rodgers yet?
Mara: (clears throat) We were in the process, Jerry. Nice of you to join us. I thought we all agreed to avoid signing young Johnny Football. You aren’t offering him a contract, are you?
Jones: Contract? Shit no. We’ve been in Thailand. Kid can’t quarterback to save his life, but he sure knows where to find the best hookers and cocaine. Right Howdy Doody? (slaps Davis on the back)
Davis: Huh, huh. Right. Hookers rule. Huh, huh.
Jones: Damn. It was my turn to watch him this week wasn’t it? He loves them old cartoons as much as he loves bad haircuts and P.F. Ching Chang’s doesn’t he?
Snyder: Yes. It was your week. A little less incompetence from a fellow NFC East owner would be nice.
Jones: Look who’s talking. Jerryworld is a big, sexy beast. We just had over a 100,000 at Wrestlemania. Ol’ Jerry loves them lady wrestlers. You cover up any more seats in your litter box of a stadium and it’ll be smaller than my TV screen.
Rooney: Yes. Well. Moving on, Roger, why did you go back on our agreement with Mr. Kraft? We agreed to leave Brady out of it and punish the organization.
Goodell: Defend the Shield. We can’t allow these players to tarnish the pristine image…
Mara: Roger. Please drop the talking points. We aren’t the press. We’re your employers and we’re trying to help you. This isn’t just about Brady. There have been some missteps and inconsistencies.
Goodell: But, we’re getting better. We’re learning. We’re going to figure this out and become a leader in the moral high-ground space.
Rooney: Roger, we know you carry a lot of water for us. Being the public face of this bunch…
Jones: (belches) Ooof. That strip club buffet ain’t any better on the way back up.
Davis: Pew, pew. Optimus Prime is the best!
Snyder: Redskin is a term of endearment!
Irsay: (passed out 10 minutes ago)
Richardson: (snoring) Hired help.
Rooney: … can’t be easy. But we can’t just let you keep making this shit up as you go along. Quite frankly, you aren’t smart enough for that. If we wanted someone competent, we’d hire Adam Silver.
Mara: And we know you have a certain… affinity for discipline.
Goodell: I don’t enjoy discipline. I just feel that the Shield must be protected. We have an image to maintain.
Rooney: Roger, this is mostly a done deal. We’re trying to be fair here. As we said, we’re still discussing the particulars with the union…
Richardson: (wakes up) You mean, pinko commies. (falls back asleep)
Rooney: (shakes head) We’re still in negotiation with the NFLPA, but it looks the best we can offer is for you to make disciplinary recommendations to an impartial panel.
Goodell: Ohhhhkay. Will I be able to arbitrate and overturn the panel’s decisions if the inadequately defend The Shield.
Mara: No. Dismissed.
Rooney: Anything else before we adjourn? Any updates on head-injuries?
Snyder: What head injuries? As far as we’re concerned, they don’t exist.
Irsay: They certainly aren’t any more dangerous than taking a shitload of pills.
Jones: The evil little troll and the old stoner are right. Meeting adjourned! Now, who’s up for ice cream and hookers?