Spin ranks “50 Best Rock Bands Right Now,” shows just how close you are to death

You're old. So very, very, very old

Best-Bands-640x406Out of 50, I’d heard of – heard of – 18. Here they are, with their rank:

  • 47. Alabama Shakes**
  • 37. TV on the Radio*
  • 30. Future Islands*
  • 26. Dirty Projectors**
  • 24. Arctic Monkeys*
  • 18. Japandroids**
  • 17. Cloud Nothings*
  • 16. Beach House***
  • 13. Chromatics*
  • 12. Haim**
  • 11. Spoon*
  • 9. Paramore*
  • 8. Titus Andronicus***
  • 5. Against Me!***
  • 4. Parquet Courts*
  • 3. Vampire Weekend****!!!&&&??@$##
  • 2. Sleater-Kinney*
  • 1. Deerhunter**

* – Don’t suck

** – Mostly unremarkable, possibly suck

*** – Definitely suck

****!!!&&&??@$## – Remarkably suck

As we know, music reviews and rankings are the most worthless thing on the internet except for the fact that people compulsively click on them. As we also know, rock is dead. And do you want to know why rock is dead? Because you killed it. You killed it by every now and then liking a rock song, and once a mainstream idiot like you likes a rock song you instantly strip the band that made it of any artistic integrity. Here’s a list of the bands you’ve killed just this year:

  • Beck
  • Modest Mouse
  • Death Cab For Cutie
  • Mumford & Sons
  • Florence + The Machine
  • Muse
  • Silversun Pickups
  • Foals

All have long and successful careers and released albums in 2015, but none are better Right Now than the likes of Liturgy or Shopping. I would tell you what I’m listening to, but you wouldn’t have heard of them, and once you did hear of them I couldn’t listen to them anymore. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s probably better for everyone if you don’t even click on this link.

The body count is high enough as it is.