Run From The Mountains Of Busch Beer

The Cursive Lettering Lets You Know That This Frat-Party Swill Has Class

Busch Signature Copper

Proof that our government, this time the FDA, has failed us yet again.

I saw this in the store a few months ago, and, despite needing to hurry along to help care for my newborn son, I had to stop and stare. I had to because, much like if I saw a unicorn, I couldn’t believe that Busch Signature Copper Lager exists.

Faced with declining market share thanks to the rise of craft breweries doing the radical thing of making good beer, the brewing geniuses at Anheuser-Busch InBev, seeing a market that does not exist, created this “full-bodied copper lager” which “introduces the richness of roasted caramel malts to the classic Busch recipe.” What kind of person drinks a Busch beer and thinks to himself, “Not bad, but it could use more caramel malts.” This kind of Busch drinker does not exist.

There is also no craft beer snob—currently wiping the foam of a Russian Imperial Goat Milk Stout out of his well-manicured beard—who thinks to

What you're tasting there is the special yeast I grow in my own hipster beard.

What you’re tasting there is the organic free-range yeast I grow in my own hipster beard.

himself, “You know what I’m really craving? A red ale from the same people who supplied my beer habit in college.” This kind of hipster does not exist—even ironically.

I have several theories about Busch Signature Copper Lager, and none of them are good:

  • Brewed with actual copper
  • Brewed with AB-InBev industrial waste, including copper
  • This is an NSA program meant to identify full-fledged sociopaths

Real-talk: My second-favorite beer is an ice-cold, crappy, bland American lager that is quickly consumed after working outside on a hot day and then quickly followed by like four more of the same. I would never argue that PBR or Miller Lite—my crappy American lagers of choice—are better than the average craft beer (they aren’t), but nobody comes in from a sweaty day of plowing the back 40 and downs a Russian Imperial Goat Milk Stout. Not even a Russian Goat farmer.

All that said, I firmly believe that anyone who drinks this beer is a complete monster and unfit for polite society. And, since we’re being honest here, I kinda sorta want to taste it. It even gets a 2.5 out 5.0 on—that’s not half-bad!